Family

My family hates me. They despise me. I am worth less than the shit they flush down the toilet everyday. But they hate me much more.
My scent irritates them. My very presence makes them rage. The beating of my heart is too loud for them. My breaths are a currency that I am quickly running out of and they refuse to loan me anymore. But I don't deserve anymore. I'm not perfect like them.

I understand though. I know why. It's because I have no job, and I'm costing them lots of money; Money is everything in this household. And it should be, as it dictates whether we live or die. I deserve what I get, and I am eternally grateful for what they give me.

They don't know that I can sense them, though. I can sense every single thing they feel about me. It used to hurt. It would kill me inside, burning my intestines and raping my heart.
I remember the first time I felt it. What they really are, what they really feel, what they really think of me.I wanted so badly to be invisible; I still do, it's my greatest wish.
I tried to kill myself twice that night. Little did I know it would be the first attempt of many.  And I cried for days. Days and days where my tears would never end. It hurt so much and I couldn't breathe. I thought I was finally dying like I wanted.

Unfortunately I didn't.
I just fainted like a weak fool and She woke me up. It was the first time we met.

After that, They came. They laughed at me, taunted me, angered me. I've never been so angry before in my life. And I hated myself because I was angry at myself. They were only here because of my own imperfections, weakness, and foolishness. They feed on that. And then they gain strength. They change me. They tell me to give into my other self; The dark one. I don't like her. Though she has no imperfections, just like She, she does things a bit different than everyone else.

She's much more instinctual than us. Those that dislike her die. Instantly. They keep trying to push me over towards her so I can kill my family. To draw her out, they fill my head with gruesome images that would make Hitler and the Devil himself cry. It worked once. She and I fought her until my last breath. Blood is the only thing that keeps her inside. My blood, of course. I almost ended up dying that day. It was nice, nothing too fancy, but peaceful.

I only fainted though, just another show of my weakness. They taunted my again for it all the while feeding on my imperfections.

I'll show them. She and I will show them. I will erase my imperfections and laugh as They starve to death. How wonderful it will be.

But, I'm a bit afraid. If I have no imperfections I may end up like She, which is what I'm hoping for. But what if I don't. After all, the dark one has no imperfections either.

She

I am shit.
I am nothing but a worthless, useless freeloader. A piece of shit, too big to flush. I hate myself more than I have ever hated anything in my entire life.

I am so ugly. I don't understand how one person can be so ugly; both on the inside and on the outside. It really confuses me.
But it doesn't matter. I'm just going to fix it. One of these days I won't be what I am.......who I am. Who am I? What am I?
I think I am one of Them. You know them; we spoke of them last time. They didn't like that very much. No, not very much at all. But She says that it's good that I talk about them. It's good for me to let it all out.

I want to be She. She's so perfect.
She's the same height as me. The same light brown skin tone with the same eyes. We even have the same face. Except that hers is different. My face is big. There's too much of it. An excess of imperfections that I feel the need to cleanse myself of so that I may one day become her.
She wears lots of white. It's almost like an angel. I can change her clothes at will though, and she yells at me every time. She's so modest, it's absolutely lovely.
She's thin. So thin. I crave her body. Mine is too large. There are too many imperfections. It will take awhile, quite a wonderful little while, for me to get rid of them. She showed me how though. She's teaching me how to be small like her.

It takes a minute for me to hear her. She's a timid little flower and it gets hard to distinguish her from Them. But I always do. She has sort of presence. It's a slightly thick, gently sweet smell. I'd call her a rose, but she just laughed and said it was too common. I think she wants to write to you guys one day. It would be quite the treat as she is highly intelligent and uncommonly wise. I just need to get rid of the imperfections first so They'll go away. It would be terrible if they were to interrupt. And they're rude enough to do it as they are quite mean to her.

They dislike her because She turned against them and decided to help me. She's going to help me kill Them.


She fought against them today. Earlier today. They tried to kill me again. I just sat there and watched, as usual, but she fought for me. I love her.

I WILL be her.

Perfection...An introduction

I believe, I truly believe  deep in my heart and throughout my soul and my entire being, that perfection is attainable. If I work hard enough and if I try hard enough, I can do it. I know I can.

This.....imperfection; it's tearing me apart. I can't do it anymore. It's killing me, I can FEEL it. It hurts. It hurts so bad.  And I'm so tired. So very, very tired. I can't do it anymore. I'm starting to hear voices in my head. I used to think I was my conscience. But I've quickly realized that it's not. It different, it's darker, and it hates the imperfections. Constantly pointing them out.  It SCREAMS at me. They scream at me. They tell me to do things. Bad things.They tell me to hurt myself. To kill myself. To take the pills, to write the words, to start the arguments.


Oh God.

The arguments.
They make me argue with my family, my friends, everyone around me. Then, they blame my family. They think that I don't know it's them. And when I blame them, they blame me. They put visions of me killing my family in my head. I would never do it. But sometimes, the line is so blurry that it makes me wonder. Maybe it isn't them, maybe it's me. Do I want to kill my family?

No. At least, I don't think so.

I hate them.  I HATE THEM!


THEY'RE EATING ME!!!

They FEED off of me.

 They feed off of my weaknesses. My imperfections.

 I WANT THEM OUT.





And then She came.


She told me that once all of the imperfections were gone, they would go away. They will have nothing to feed on, and with nothing to sustain them, how could they possibly survive?


She is the nice one. I call her She because she wont tell me her name. But she won't hurt me. She loves me. Sometimes we argue, just her and I.  But it always works out. Because we love each other. We need each other. And when you know someone loves you, you can argue with them as much as you want too, because you know that they will always be there for you. And She will.

Wow, I kind of went off on a little tangent there. Whoops! :)

Anyway.....

So, this is me. Or it will be. I will take push my mind, body, and spirit to their limits. It's going to hurt, but that doesn't matter. This is all I've ever wanted. I will do this. 

This is my journey to perfection.

Besides, what's the worst that could happen?